How to Communicate Your Feelings without Blaming, Criticizing, Being Defensive or Using Dismissive Language
Responding in a Non-empathetic Way
“Felix, you're so lazy! Your dirty socks are all over the place. It's irritating and just shows how messy and disorganized you are. Can't you clean up after yourself and put your socks away properly?”
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Observing without judging
“Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV…
Expressing your feelings
“I feel irritated because…
Identifying your needs
“I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.
Make a request
“Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”
Applying the 4 Components of NVC
Observation: This involves describing a situation without adding evaluation or interpretation. It's about stating the facts of what one observes, avoiding judgments or opinions.
Feeling: Expressing one's emotions in response to the observed situation. It involves identifying and sharing feelings using words that describe emotions, such as happy, sad, frustrated, or excited.
Need: Identifying the underlying human needs connected to the expressed feelings. Needs are universal desires or values that drive our emotions and actions.
Request: Making clear, positive requests for specific actions that can help meet the identified needs. Requests should be concrete and doable, avoiding vague or demanding language.
Say Your Peace with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Nonviolent communication (NVC) aims to build understanding, resolve conflicts and foster connection by emphasizing feelings, needs and positive requests rather than blame or judgment.
Adapted from: Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
